i walked?

Hum-fucking-drum.
I find the older I get the more I notice things out of the realm of others’ sight. It is strange and it firmly cements me in my earthly binds, which might be a good thing, I guess, but currently things are confusing me and I can’t seem to find the air I’m swimming towards.
I am lying on a twin-size bed in a house that isn’t really my home but will have to do at least for this week while some people I don’t know go into my house and replace the tiny Mount Vesuviuses of tile that are stuck to the floor. The room that the bed and I are in is a yellowy off-white, probably named something infinitely clever by the company who manufactures it. Probably something like “cloud” or “7th Heaven” or maybe something vaguely angel related: “we have heard on high” comes to mind; or something similar.
More worrying, though (at least to me) are the dreams and general ennui plaguing me involving The Poet. I look into a window and think I see his face- I hope fervently while I work that I’ll look up at one of the tourists and it’ll be his smiling face looking down at me, asking “well, imagine this!” and presently congealing into a lovely conversation. I miss this Poet. I miss him a helluvalot. I want him here, or I want to be there, or something– somehow, I want us to talk again under the leaves of old oak trees, watching water cascade into fountains– or running home in the rain, clutching a hot crepe to our chests.

So many memories. I can’t keep them from flooding my mind.
Wil visited Paris a few weeks ago, I am very jealous. I hope it’s treated him nicely. I hope he went to Rue Vavin and stood there, quiet and pensive. I hope he understands the changes it created in all of us. I hope he knows.

admirals

I dreamt of the Poet last night.
This is beginning to worry me- this tendency. I don’t want to lose contact with him.
It was in first person, the dream–at the end I started hearing “Wake Up” and my mom shook me awake.
Disoriented.

Confused.

Still moving forward. I only want some form of communication between the two of us– one he actually uses, for that matter–but I don’t want to creep him out.

Ah well. We’ll see.

our powerless fathers

It is strange, this situation. Strange and somehow wrong, intrinsically, but it is the only thing keeping me from falling into some sort of half-despair. Or something: you catch my drift, yes?

In any case, lately I’ve been super paranoid about having people hate me: it is almost a capital punishment. I cannot bear knowing that people I know and respect think so low of me.
Hence the freaking out I am doing over a Nameless, not that it will actually affect me, but I’d like to be on good standings with them because we had a sort of okay friendship that abruptly ceased due to events I was not aware of. And, incidentally, am not aware of even now.

But since it’s not really a problem now (and I don’t expect it to be one any time soon), I’m going to let sleeping dogs lie and deal with it when it becomes one.

Later.

famine affair

Due tospending about three hours today working on an Of Montreal contest remix, I have the titular song stuck in my head. It is agony.

Also haven’t been writing much lately, that reason is SENIOR YEAR and by third quarter it will be back to normal updates.

Till then check out my tumblr, or bug me with comments. I will be writing. Less. But still writing.

theydidntwait.tumblr.com

Laterrrrr

as strong as you like

Today: real exciting.
so all last night i kept sitting up, fully awake, and just staring into the darkness of my closet until I fell asleep again (and subsequently fell back onto my pillow). It was strange and I hope I can sleep better tonight, but my stomach is gurgling in horrid ways and I sincerely hope it stops.
Anyway! At 11ish I had to go into school for a soundcheck and was subjected to some terrible anti-bully rap/dance routines. That’s supposed to be the theme of the shindig. I am playing Beirut’s “Nantes,” or if I decide last minute that I don’t want to I’ll play something like “2080” and terrify the bastards.
Also! I got my teeth cleaned and stuff!
And then, finally (damn it), I got home and went to the firefighters’ picnic, where I ran into Lil and Rybear and frolicked bout with them and lamented “THERE IS ONLY MEEEEAAATTT” which made me a little distraught.
I then sauntered up to my humble abode, where I taught Ryan how to make meringues, took a lot of photos on his phone, yelled at my sister, kept my dog from licking passersby, snuggleed with Lil, yelled at the Joker, and– well, watched movies and ate meringues and bread. And meat. MEATTTT

hammerhead

I don’t know a lot about things.
One thing that has given me much consternation in the past and will continue to give me consternation in the future is my total and utter inability to understand people. To read people. To figure out their emotions toward you, toward inanimate objects, towards other people.
It is for this reason that I am tormented by the idea of someone hating me, mainly because I will constantly ask myself what I could be doing wrong and trying not to bother the person and so on and so on. Usually this just makes the friendship I am trying so desperately to cultivate unravel. So frustrating.
Currently wondering the very question above about a few people. I am scared and I am hoping my assumption is false because I would in all honesty like to be these people’s friend and little else. Maybe someone with which to exchange words, perhaps. Or something. It is difficult and it is annoying and it makes me want to try and forget about people and just go to some out-of-the-way island somewhere in the Azores and play Smiths records all day, alone, letting Morrissey sing me to sleep and not caring a whit about any other human activity and/or judgementalness.

fences

I think I am digging the accompanying Wolfgang Amadeus Pheonix remix CD more than the actual album. This is not suprising. I’ve been listening to the damn thing for the last three weeks, it works very well as “wake up plz” music.

“Hello moon… Bitchin’.” <- this is courtesy Parker. I will, one day, put this on a shirt and wear it and feel good about myself.

WELL this week I went kayaking with all the ladies in my class, which was supposed to be a "team building" excercise but in reality just ended up having us go into pairs and kayak around boats whilst having one person blindfolded. Yay communication! I think I can now reliably tell you which side is my right/left without having to consult any table of knowledge.
Ohhh speaking of that, I am learning to dive since I need to know in order to get a job. Also I am applying for the semifinals of the Merit Scholar, woo!
–I just had to run to the main computer and send my essay out, actually. It's due tomorrow. Phew.
That's not all I did since last post. I also fufilled my goal of making something bigger than myself- said "something" is an 8-foot long piece of paper that would've ordinarily been used to cover the bulletin board but now has a black tempera person outlined on it (kinda) and swirly things and will be camera'd tomorrow if I can wrangle it.

ALSO: a bit of drama. I'm gonna let it ferment a while and see if it amounts to anything. If so, I'll consider writing more details. If not, it shall fade into obscurity.

AND TOMORROW IS MUSTACHE DAY, OH MY JESUS YES.

will write later.

august flowers

Cheesus, today. I took the Chem SAT II today, which actually was not nearly as bad as it could have been and ended up being painless as fuck; it is also the last standardised test I have to take, ever. Yessssssss. I am very happy about this development.
Then, well, I sat around the house with Genna for a few hours before going over to Hannah’s and eating pancakes and laughing at Matt Car and making macramé bracelets (ballah.) and doing shots of maple syrup, which is exactly as disgusting as it sounds. Never again. It’s like doublefisting diabetes. Also, shotglass shaped like a boot? Yes plz.
Then we went on an adventure, Matt Car’s jeep tried to kidnap me, we played leapfrog on John’s lawn and were subsequently caught by his dad (who does not know me, hence, awkwardness). I have only met John once, and he was very drunk that one time. So I’ve no clue if he recognised me as “that sobriety fairy from the party” or “some random chick with largish boobs who hangs with Hannah” or something similar. Dudes. They are bizarre.

Hardest word to say: rural. Try it.

OKAY so I finally put together Rayquan’s toasty earrings, they are fucking masterpieces. Srsly.
And also, my principal is in my house talking to my parents during their monthly dinner party. It is feeling like an invasion of privacy. I want to get out of here but there is no way I can sneak past him, unless I kick out the mosquito grille on my window and emerge triumphant on my front lawn. I wouldn’t have a mode of transportation, though, which would hella suck.

Will write laterrrrrs.

adventures in the solitude

It is raining (and has been raining) absolute fucktons today. There was no school due to said fucktons of rain, which meant that Hannah and I were driven over to chez family friends’ and told to entertain the children. So: played Monopoly, messed with Playmobil (looooove), read a creepy cookbook (yes, possible), played Halo Reach. I think I might have to buy Halo Reach, it is super awesome. My dad and I would beast out and kill dem arbiters deads.

Anyway, sorry for sudden decrease in the volume of recent postage. Been doing a lot of stuff recently, to the point that all I do when I get home is eat, homework, shower, pass out. I’ve been trying to write in Physics, but I actually have to pay a modicum of attention in that class else I will fail.

Just watched the Glee “Grilled Cheesus” episode, I cried and cried and cried. I am a wimp. I am glad I didn’t go to Mrs. K’s to watch it, I’d’a snotted all over her floor and thoroughly embarrassed myself with my cry-noises (don’t even ask). I cannot watch sad things in movies or TV shows unless I can find something funny with it. I didn’t cry in the beginning of Up, somehow, but any other relatively sad movie involves me getting up to bawl in the other room. Eh. Maybe I should watch sad things drunk, or would that make it worse?

No eggs = no lemon poppyseed muffins today, dangnabit.

Will write later.

the youth

There is something to be said about the people here. That can be said later when I’m feeling more philosophical, thoigh, so let’s pretend I never said that and instead move on to what I did today/yesterday!

Yesterday there was a bonfire that I am kind of wishing I went to, because all the pictures on Facebook are fucking hilarious (except for one with a passed-out Michelle who looks really super anorexic for some reason, though she isn’t as far as I know) and I would have probably maybe drunk enough to figure out what constitutes a buzz.
But no, instead I babysat for the most entertaining kids ever and netted 60 dollars out of it. Scorrrrre!
Today: woke up at like 10, did my Calc, got a job at the Cane Bay Dive Shop, ate an eggs Benedict that is now punching things in my stomach for some sick and twisted reason, made Parker his toast earrings, made myself a unicorn brooch. Involving rainbows. It is ridiculously badass.
I keep writing hypothetical letters to the Poet. Good? Maybe.

Latttterrrr