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i walked?

23 Nov

I find the older I get the more I notice things out of the realm of others’ sight. It is strange and it firmly cements me in my earthly binds, which might be a good thing, I guess, but currently things are confusing me and I can’t seem to find the air I’m swimming towards.
I am lying on a twin-size bed in a house that isn’t really my home but will have to do at least for this week while some people I don’t know go into my house and replace the tiny Mount Vesuviuses of tile that are stuck to the floor. The room that the bed and I are in is a yellowy off-white, probably named something infinitely clever by the company who manufactures it. Probably something like “cloud” or “7th Heaven” or maybe something vaguely angel related: “we have heard on high” comes to mind; or something similar.
More worrying, though (at least to me) are the dreams and general ennui plaguing me involving The Poet. I look into a window and think I see his face- I hope fervently while I work that I’ll look up at one of the tourists and it’ll be his smiling face looking down at me, asking “well, imagine this!” and presently congealing into a lovely conversation. I miss this Poet. I miss him a helluvalot. I want him here, or I want to be there, or something– somehow, I want us to talk again under the leaves of old oak trees, watching water cascade into fountains– or running home in the rain, clutching a hot crepe to our chests.

So many memories. I can’t keep them from flooding my mind.
Wil visited Paris a few weeks ago, I am very jealous. I hope it’s treated him nicely. I hope he went to Rue Vavin and stood there, quiet and pensive. I hope he understands the changes it created in all of us. I hope he knows.

gross innaccuracies

28 Oct

something i did, bored and lonely


I made this one day, sitting alone and waiting for time to pass. it is titled (hells of unoffically) “i dreamed and wondered but got nowhere in the summers of past lives:”

the french says “I would dream of happier times” and it is kind of deep

i ran out of paint halfway through, you can tell.

famine affair

27 Oct

Due tospending about three hours today working on an Of Montreal contest remix, I have the titular song stuck in my head. It is agony.

Also haven’t been writing much lately, that reason is SENIOR YEAR and by third quarter it will be back to normal updates.

Till then check out my tumblr, or bug me with comments. I will be writing. Less. But still writing.



14 Oct

I think I am digging the accompanying Wolfgang Amadeus Pheonix remix CD more than the actual album. This is not suprising. I’ve been listening to the damn thing for the last three weeks, it works very well as “wake up plz” music.

“Hello moon… Bitchin’.” <- this is courtesy Parker. I will, one day, put this on a shirt and wear it and feel good about myself.

WELL this week I went kayaking with all the ladies in my class, which was supposed to be a "team building" excercise but in reality just ended up having us go into pairs and kayak around boats whilst having one person blindfolded. Yay communication! I think I can now reliably tell you which side is my right/left without having to consult any table of knowledge.
Ohhh speaking of that, I am learning to dive since I need to know in order to get a job. Also I am applying for the semifinals of the Merit Scholar, woo!
–I just had to run to the main computer and send my essay out, actually. It's due tomorrow. Phew.
That's not all I did since last post. I also fufilled my goal of making something bigger than myself- said "something" is an 8-foot long piece of paper that would've ordinarily been used to cover the bulletin board but now has a black tempera person outlined on it (kinda) and swirly things and will be camera'd tomorrow if I can wrangle it.

ALSO: a bit of drama. I'm gonna let it ferment a while and see if it amounts to anything. If so, I'll consider writing more details. If not, it shall fade into obscurity.


will write later.

enemy gene

12 Oct

today was pretty decent. I printed the last few prints in the firs run: going to be sending those out soon so if you have given me your address prepare yourself for excellence of the highest degree. Exciting!
Tomorrow morning the entire senior class is going to embark on “team-building exercises,” which sounds rather appealingly vague. We are going kayaking! The boys are doing the ropes course out at the Boy Scout camp, of which I am super jealous. I guess that girls aren’t allowed within fifty feet of the Scout area. Our cooties would infect it.

Listening to False Priest again and again. I don’t think I will get tired of it anytime soon.


will write later re: idea for project.

august flowers

9 Oct

Cheesus, today. I took the Chem SAT II today, which actually was not nearly as bad as it could have been and ended up being painless as fuck; it is also the last standardised test I have to take, ever. Yessssssss. I am very happy about this development.
Then, well, I sat around the house with Genna for a few hours before going over to Hannah’s and eating pancakes and laughing at Matt Car and making macramé bracelets (ballah.) and doing shots of maple syrup, which is exactly as disgusting as it sounds. Never again. It’s like doublefisting diabetes. Also, shotglass shaped like a boot? Yes plz.
Then we went on an adventure, Matt Car’s jeep tried to kidnap me, we played leapfrog on John’s lawn and were subsequently caught by his dad (who does not know me, hence, awkwardness). I have only met John once, and he was very drunk that one time. So I’ve no clue if he recognised me as “that sobriety fairy from the party” or “some random chick with largish boobs who hangs with Hannah” or something similar. Dudes. They are bizarre.

Hardest word to say: rural. Try it.

OKAY so I finally put together Rayquan’s toasty earrings, they are fucking masterpieces. Srsly.
And also, my principal is in my house talking to my parents during their monthly dinner party. It is feeling like an invasion of privacy. I want to get out of here but there is no way I can sneak past him, unless I kick out the mosquito grille on my window and emerge triumphant on my front lawn. I wouldn’t have a mode of transportation, though, which would hella suck.

Will write laterrrrrs.

adventures in the solitude

6 Oct

It is raining (and has been raining) absolute fucktons today. There was no school due to said fucktons of rain, which meant that Hannah and I were driven over to chez family friends’ and told to entertain the children. So: played Monopoly, messed with Playmobil (looooove), read a creepy cookbook (yes, possible), played Halo Reach. I think I might have to buy Halo Reach, it is super awesome. My dad and I would beast out and kill dem arbiters deads.

Anyway, sorry for sudden decrease in the volume of recent postage. Been doing a lot of stuff recently, to the point that all I do when I get home is eat, homework, shower, pass out. I’ve been trying to write in Physics, but I actually have to pay a modicum of attention in that class else I will fail.

Just watched the Glee “Grilled Cheesus” episode, I cried and cried and cried. I am a wimp. I am glad I didn’t go to Mrs. K’s to watch it, I’d’a snotted all over her floor and thoroughly embarrassed myself with my cry-noises (don’t even ask). I cannot watch sad things in movies or TV shows unless I can find something funny with it. I didn’t cry in the beginning of Up, somehow, but any other relatively sad movie involves me getting up to bawl in the other room. Eh. Maybe I should watch sad things drunk, or would that make it worse?

No eggs = no lemon poppyseed muffins today, dangnabit.

Will write later.

the youth

2 Oct

There is something to be said about the people here. That can be said later when I’m feeling more philosophical, thoigh, so let’s pretend I never said that and instead move on to what I did today/yesterday!

Yesterday there was a bonfire that I am kind of wishing I went to, because all the pictures on Facebook are fucking hilarious (except for one with a passed-out Michelle who looks really super anorexic for some reason, though she isn’t as far as I know) and I would have probably maybe drunk enough to figure out what constitutes a buzz.
But no, instead I babysat for the most entertaining kids ever and netted 60 dollars out of it. Scorrrrre!
Today: woke up at like 10, did my Calc, got a job at the Cane Bay Dive Shop, ate an eggs Benedict that is now punching things in my stomach for some sick and twisted reason, made Parker his toast earrings, made myself a unicorn brooch. Involving rainbows. It is ridiculously badass.
I keep writing hypothetical letters to the Poet. Good? Maybe.


for the promise of light

24 Sep

yellow book progress: 98% full. I am psyched. I have a place where it will go, and I’ll post that link as soon as I’ve put some of the pages up. I want to put them all on a PDF file, but I don’t have the slightest idea how to do that so I won’t.

Writing this during Physics class, we’re taking a test that makes me want to punch someone or maybe just throw the whole course out the window. It is annoying, it is repetitive, it is fucking ridiculous.

I am wearing suspenders. I guess this redeems my day a little, seeing as this morning my friend who shall not be named comes striding into Mrs. Grace’s room loudly expressing how “pissed off” he is. And then proceeds to call me a bitch. First of all, rude, second of all, what gives you the right to walk on into a room full of relatively well-adjusted people and explode your anger out on all of them? Um, nothing does. You should be able to control you own anger, and maybe keep it inside you for a little while, and figure out what about it is really making you angry. If it’s something someone said, then you don’t really have to take that to heart- discount it for now, and then later when you’re on your own rationalize why the person said it. It’s okay to whine about calculus or physics in Mrs. Grace’s room, but keep your personal shit to yourself. Especially if it’s personal shit that makes you mad.


The whole anger thing, though, didn’t bug me as much as the bitch-calling did. I am usually hells of alright with being called things, seeing as I’ve been bullied a lot growing up, but this was just pointless name-calling. And it hurt! I didn’t expect that. I was halfway towards slapping you when the bell rang, nameless friend, but luckily I escaped due to a handy intervention. Don’t call me a bitch. Don’t call me a whore. Don’t call me anything you think is appropriate, because I will fucking knock your block off.

oh jeez, that sounded a lot more threatening than I meant it to.

that’s all for now. Will write more later.

mild confusion

23 Sep

is a really fucking good song by Tamaryn and you should listen to it now.

Today: exhausting. My mom got home from her business trip. I got an 80 on half a physics test. I hate that physics test. I ate french-textbook cake. J’ai essaié parler seulement en francais aujourd’hui, but I don’t know how to quickly express certain things like “shit where is my bag, I have calc next and I didn’t do the homework- did I tell you I listened to the Wavves and I really like them but not quite as much as Grizzly Bear or Tame Impala who are just badass”. I worked on my senior page. I made a music video set to BMSR. I laughed at some orange and white day pictures. I laughed at Parker’s letter to the people from Wavves and Best Coast. He mentioned “sucking face” and tequila. Best letter ever. We should write one to Kevin Barnes one day when drunk. He would appreciate the effort. And then we’d send him a sober letter and he’d be all “oh.” There was also play practice somewhere in there, I think. Maybe.

Nothing much else to report. Nighty night.