routine malaise

Been writing crappy poetry lately. I am okay with that.

Sort of feeling an unease creep into my happy neutrality, this is bad and I will have to do my darndedest to fix it. Measures have already been taken.

Also, something that has frustrated me to no end has been somewhat reasoned out, which actually is making it even more frustrating for now but will probably make things better in the long run. Fuuuuuuucckkk though.
(thx, R.)

Too tired to write a decent post.
Later.

through every pane

A vapour cloud alarm is not really the best way to begin your day.
A vapour cloud alarm that goes on for at least ten minutes, all the while releasing tons of flammable hydrocarbons into the air, leading your father to call and tell you to get the fuck out of there: that’s worse.
Currently sitting in my mom’s office in Christiansted, my hair is a mess, I am wearing a purple dress and silver Sperrys. I feel icky. I am also worried about my dog, who we left at home.
It’s been a bad morning.

we’ll call it mine

Title should really be “let’s call it a learning experience” or some such, but meh.
I went to a party tonight. Its lasting influences on me seem to include a temporary dose of tinnitus, a bit of a buzz that mainly manifests in my speech, and a healthy respect for those lovely folks who entertain me by being drunk/on their way to being drunk.
Well: I am going to use initials instead of names, since I have no idea if persons who would find this incriminating are reading this. Better to be on the safe side, I’m gonna say.

New milestone: comforted my first drunk person! H, you are fabulous, but please try not to be so floppy when you’re smashed. You kept going “I’m such a bad person for drinking, you, you’re a good girl, I, you should be proud of yourself,” and I tried to support you as well as I could. I met your boyfriend. He seems okay.

SECOND milestone: did a “shot” with G and J. I put “shot” in quotation marks because I kind of poured about a quarter of it out on the floor before, drank 3/4 of what was left, poured the rest out on the grass when you weren’t looking. Sorry, guys, for being a deceitful drinker. Maybe another time. With classier liquor.

Third milestone: or well, not really a milestone but I think it opened my eyes: P and J were forcefed pot brownies by another P. The first P mentioned had also taken several shots of tequila, I’m not sure about J. Anyway, they were bumbling around together high as kites, talking about stuff that I found a little disarmingly unfunny, trying to find the source of the original brownie provider. I tried to get them to write me poetry whilst high. They decided to do so on a tree. I think I am starting to like drunk people.
P is a small guy. He had 3 tequila shots. Tomorrow morning is going to suck for him. I doubt he’ll remember anything.

Fourth: A came up to me yelling about “CANADIAN!!!” and waving a cigarette around. I smiled back. He was drunk, or didn’t understand any of my witty banter. It was ridiculously witty, I am disappointed.

Fifth: ignored K. Suprisingly easy. I think she was hitting on either W or J or C. Possibly all three, though C is in a relationship and was also very drunk.

Sixth: I tried to help P up. It didn’t work. She had a lit cigarette in her hand, I pried it loose and put it out in the grass. I’ve never held a lit cigarette before, let alone someone else’s. The filter end was all sticky and ewwww. She clutched onto my hand and I tried to hoick her onto her feet, but she did the same floppy boneless thing as H and slumped back onto the grass. Hum.

Seventh: Saying “let’s hug it out” to pretty much any intoxicated person will make them completely docile.

Eighth: J-on-his-way-to-being-smashed is scary as fuck. Loud, in your face, drinking Cruzan Confusions and vodka and cranberry, prancing around with MR and EM and others. He did not even try for intelligent conversation.

Synopsis: I like some people when they’re drunk (ie PC, J, W), I dislike others.

Also, one of these days I am eating a brownie and then writing poetry, dammit.

a routine malaise

My father and I do not often see eye-to-eye.
Case in point: today, I get home, have a snack, lay on my bed and draw, check facebook, grab my guitar, go into the kitchen. There are dishes and crap on the counter. I put the crap away, check the dishwasher and find it’s full. Sigh to myself, put dirty dishes in the sink, proceed to RAWKKKK.
Six hours later my dad bursts into my room and asks in his angry voice “when did you get home?”
I reply “4 ‘o clock.”
“So you were here for at least two hours. The dishes aren’t done.”
“oh.”
“I was at work from seven to six. Do you know how long that is? I was at WORK for eleven hours.”
At this point I start thinking “that’s nice, dad, that’s your job,” but saying that would be a very Bad Idea.
He proceeds to glare at me and step out of my room.

My parents are really super overprotective, my dad is a neat freak, and my mom is only really concerned with what I look like. I don’t love my parents so much as am afraid of them, since I really don’t see what is wrong with what I’ve done.

Anyway, parents aside, it is the weekend, tomorrow is Matt Car’s party that he’s been talking about for weeks now, I don’t know why but hell I’m going anyway. Paulie is trying to coerce me into doing shots of Kahlua with her, but I’m going to very much abstain. I have no idea if this will be a good party or not. I might just stay home.

Not much else to report atm. I keep thinking my dad’s opening the door to yell at me more. It is hell on my nerves.

Goodnight.

alter ego

Fucking exhausted.
Movie night tonight, made risotto and celery and jello for everyone, general consensus was “yay,” which makes this successful.
Now I just want to sink into my bed, like the one in Trainspotting when whatsisface overdoses- deeper and deeper and hopefully not waking up in hospital.
Talked to The Poet today; I miss him. I wish we could have a more concrete form of correspondance but for now a few minutes of back-and-forth will have to suffice. It’s a little distancing, but I can deal with it.
Anyway: “distance has a way of making love understandable,” which was a Wilco quote and describes why my neutrality is so strong these days.

Goodnight.
Will write more tomorrow.

pablo’s cruise

Oh lordy.
I am really fucking tired right now. I had weight training today, and unlike the weight training classes of previous years this year we are actually expected to ge our shit together and do things. I am going to be sore tomorrow. That is a truth. An eventuality. Not a possibility.
Today is also my mother’s birthday (yay mom!), which meant that we went out to dinner. I had steak, and realized that until that moment I hadn’t had red meat for over two months.
Whoa, what.
Maybe that’s why I lost a bunch o’ weight in Paris. ‘Cos I did. My ribs are sticking out a little, it is disarming.
ANYWAY
Today I filmed Josh talking about how awesome Coach Redwine was all break, got twirled about by Kyle, was given horrible mental images of sassy gay friends saying “I woke up fabulous,” ate, did Wiley, and edited Josh talking about Coach Redwine.
And now my legs feel like they’re being pressed into the mattress I’m lying on.

Jeez.

Will write tomorrow.

adder sensibilities

gross national innacuracies led to nights spent fretting over the demise of a thousand lovely souls/ try to create proper patterns decayed into kaleidoscope fires/ healthy unheimlich garments draping the modern Xerxes/ piss on lunatic wires arch your back and cry bullshit for the maniac rush of it

&&&&&&&

weighty proverbs crumpling under their own gravitational fields//creating positive modesty into nightshade pupils//queries ignored, poetry made silent and odin and his ravens reigning//yggdrasil is never an eventuality but a constant menacing in the limelight//staple some rulers to the walls + tame the beast

&&&&&&&&&&&

running labrynthian locks through your spider-hands
hansel and gretel coated in moonlight
and diamond dusting nincompoops across the suede shoreline like cavities in the spring
not even the magic of my old haunts could illicit crazy motion sprinklings towards the fuckery of nonsense that is sculpture
you smiled at rodin, i scowled, but the sentiments were shared

&&&&&&&&&

i reeled
and you forgave me

though i’d wish it’d gone so differently back then, swinging the ropes, laughing and talking of vonnegut as the moonlight strived to fight through the windows and reflect off yr eyes
i was simply having far too much fun
and without realizing it kind of
— i don’t know–
Je suis tombée en l’amour?

=============
Today’s been reasonable, I guess. Cannot be bothered at the moment due to sheer happiness. Waiting for magic to descend upon me. Preordered False Priest. I hope it rains tomorrow. The above poems are what spouted from my fingers in a fit of philosophy. I miss the Poet. I am listening to the Phoenix remixes that came along with the real CD, they are fairly good. I had a physics lab to do tonight. I have a sneaking suspicion I did it wrong. Fuck all. I want to play guitar but I also want to learn the chords for Percussion Gun, not sure which one will precede the other. Apathy is already overwhelming my senses. I need to scan my Yellow Book as soon as I’m done with it. My next one’s red. It’s a Moleskine. I look forward to feeling like Kyna.
That’s all I’ve got for you all.

Bloggiversary: imminent.

falling through a field

Gosh darnit I said I was going to write again today and so here I am, writing again. Goddamn. I’m not so much tired as just annoyed with being concious. I wanna be dreaming, dammit.
On the happier front, though, there are 2 things: a) I preordered False Priest today, it is coming out on the 14th and will be super duper alleyooper awesome. I really cannot wait, as it also marks when the CD Swap #2 will take place. Oh yeah, and b) the neutrality I wrote about for like the last six weeks? Still there, sitting on the middle of my heart and looking up at me innocently asking “whaat?!” while healing all the scars and rips and stitches around it. It is awesome. I doubt I will really get to enjoy this pure and lovely apathy ever again, so I’m making what I can out of it. By which I mean: probably not looking for significant others this year.

Unhappy front: a) have not started my Physics lab. I really don’t understand what the hell we have to do; b) Calc tomorrow. Aughhhhh; c) Mr Jackson assigned us a paragraph, need to write that by friday. Meh; d) College meetings with Mrs. N. Fuuuuuuuu—-

Well, things’ll be interesting in the next few weeks.
Also: I think the one-year bloggiversary’s coming up. I will celebrate by sharing some stuff I put up on Tumblr. I put a lot of pictures on my Tumblr, ‘cos it’s a million times easier than with WordPress. Meh, this isn’t really a visual blog to begin with.

Anyway. Night.
Will write later, darlings.

forever heavy

i couldn’t breathe in the silence
from the echoes of radarless machines
so i flagellated and writhed
with the effort of it
trying and trying
to control the wild flickers of pain
but it never worked, at least not
when you were
around, the silence
soaring into cacophonies that confused
and at the same time,
at least liberated me

it took time and space
but suddenly i found myself
drifting away, no longer
with any need to swim
against the current
trapped in another gravitational pull
and made boneless
by another’s influence

i never thought anything of it
looking back that was probably
the best thing: somehow
a clean but jagged break,
it cauterized the wound
and let new growth go forth
and let me breathe again
and let me love
and walk into that peach light

(———->)

Well: tomorrow is the real First Day Of Senior Year.
I am not sure how to feel about this.
One side of my brain is rejoicing because I kind of (truth be told) like school and the busywork and the socializing. The other half is cursing and raving because goddammit, I have to deal with college prep. Fucking college prep. I hate Mrs. N with all my heart, I wish our school had a better and more understanding college counselor, but no. We’re stuck with her.
I’m not going to think about that now. I have to be up at 6 AM tomorrow, so I’m going to stop writing and go to sleep already.
Will write more later detailing important stuff.