patterns your parents designed

1 Aug

One out of four flights done, thank the ever-loving lord.
I miss everyone already. I saw a Hugo Boss store in Charles De Gaulle and thought of Guillame: I kept falling asleep on the plane when I didn’t really want to and remembered this morning, last night-
I just actually got a double espresso (terrible idea: British coffee is just as bad as their food), and it is overwhelmingly weird to be talking to strangers in English. I have been out of an English-speaking country for more than a month.
Wow, no wonder I’m suddenly feeling the weirdness of not using someone else’s language. Also I keep trying to keep away from old men because they kept on trying to pick me up in France but part of me knows they won’t here because I am not some foriegn chick, I speak the language.
This morning, by the way, was really heartbreaking. Really heartbreaking. I was under the impression that I’d be leaving at 6, and so I wan’t quite perfectly packed (and I just realized that I left my toiletries behind. And my bathrobe! Damn it!) and had to superpack whilst sobbing, which is not easy, I tell you what. Anyway, I practically begged Julian to let me say goodbye to the dwarves (yes, this is what I call Guillame and Graydon and Giselle, at least in my head) and ran down to the second floor. I practically bowled Giselle over, squished all the breath out of her and said something to the effect of “Imma miss you SO MUUUUCH!”
I let go of her and ran down the hall to Greydon and Guillame’s room, smashed open the door and encased Graydon (sitting on the top bunk, so it worked!) in a huge sobbing hug, burying my face in his neck. “Bye,” I sobbed, disengaged for a second to plant a kiss on his cheek, then re-gaged and started crying again into his neck. He was getting a little teary himself, and hugged back.
We disengaged and I asked “Where’s Guillame?!”
“In the shower.”
So instead of barging in at that second, I caught sight of Wil down the hall and ran down to give him a letter and a hug (since I am pretty sure I will never see him again), which was far more awkward than I thought it’d be, but it was more like we were strangers than two people who had some tribulations and had pushed past them to become kind of friends. It was strange, but at that point I didn’t care. Stuck a note on Nick’s door (not sure if he got it) and fairly flew over to the showers. Slammed the door open and yelled “BILLY, I’M LEAVING, I MISS YOU ALREADY,” and then skittered down the stairs.
Kyna was at the bottom, I encased her in a hug, still kind of sobbing, and we promised to keep in touch. Hugged Mary Liza. Hugged Sofia. Hugged Gracie. Hugged Nick, who had come down the staircase behind me and who I clung to like a life raft and had to convince myself (very quickly, I might add) to let go else make a scene. I didn’t. I said a final goodbye and walked out into the early morning light and the waiting taxi and back to my ordinary life.
Not that trying to get your bag checked and tickets made is ordinary, at least not when you’re kind of explaining in both French and English, don’t know the flight numbers, only the record locator, and you have gotten about one hour of sleep that night. Fun stuff. I’ve managed to restrain myself from crying, though every time I see something that reminds me of my dwarves and my weed brownie and my Oscar Wilde non-fabulous look-alike, a little stake pierces through my heart and I feel that peculiar stinging feeling behind my eyes that heralds a subsequent shedding of tears.

I want to tell everyone here: “MY NAME IS BLARE AND I JUST SPENT A MONTH IN PARIS, I MAY HAVE MET THE COOLEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD AND I MISS THEM SO MUCH.”

It is weird hearing everyone speaking english. I can understand them! I feel like I’m trespassing on others’ conversations: going to have to get used to that, I think. It’s pretty amazing being able to understand people again.

I want to go back, but at the same time I want to go home. It’s a bad circle of emotion to be caught in: I pretty honestly feel a little ill figuring out how exactly I feel about what has happened, what is going to happen.

Also I need to not get angry anymore, because this time I actually hurt someone: I am not sure if I hurt them physically or mentally, but I did, and now I am wondering which one and if I can try to ameliorate it or if I should leave it alone.

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