life magazine

28 Apr

Just finished reading “A Million Little Pieces” by James Frey, I am feeling very profound and wrote a few pages in my seeecret journal that no one will ever read.
Pretty word, isn’t it?

Anyway- what I actually wanted to write about, after feeling supremely profound and going off on tangents relating to Neptune and Jove and other Roman gods and Freya and Odin, with his one eye and his ravens and his mead, was that I think Staralfur (new code name for a different person than I usually write about, ie not Taschen) is afraid of me.
Okay, I can understand this, as Staralfur and I have a bit of a history together. Not in the lovey-dovey friendship way. No. We have never really been friends, but there was a time where we were pretty damn close and I fucked it up with my big mouth. Again, no specifics, but I felt horrible and sat in a corner singing Hoppipolla over and over to myself trying to think of what I’d done wrong, and how to fix it.
I am not very good at fixing things, and you should know that.
Anyway, after that happened, we began to talk less and less, and now it seems that Staralfur avoids me purposefully and does not want to speak to me. I do not understand. I do not think Staralfur knows that I have actually gone through a change of heart (sort of) and do not fucking care anymore what is going on in Staralfur’s life, or anything connected to it. I really don’t. I just ask that Staralfur not ignore me or forget I exist, as that is one of my biggest, most crippling phobias.
I am terrified of being ignored or forgotten, which is why most people have a first impression of me being a very loud, impassioned person. That’s true, sometimes, but usually (and especially around people I respect) I am quiet and speak lightly. I have always thought that I can express myself better via writing, as you cannot read a lisp or a stutter or an awkward tilting of pronounciation, all of which I do and all of which I am incredibly insecure about.
I have a lot of things I’m insecure about regarding my body and how I act around other people- but damn, I’m trying to fix that. Somehow, I want to come back to these people in five years and be utterly unrecognisable in how I act and hold myself. I want to be proud of how I am, not apologetic and afraid of others’ opinions.

Also: Life Magazine by Cold Cave. It is fuzzy, catchy, loopy electronica of the sort popularized by Animal Collective. Wonderful.

Will write.

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