Archive | February, 2010

i don’t know what it is

22 Feb

but there is definitely something going on upstairs.

Writing this in Mrs. Grey’s room during the boring as shit advisory period, I don’t want to be here right now and am suffering from apathy sickness. Ugh.

Adding to the terribleness is a brief altercation I had with Lil, one that I might as well talk about because it’s becoming more and more of an issue. I hope it doesn’t take our friendship down with it, because Lil is very awesome and sarcastically joyful.

But she has a knack for making me feel terrible.

For one thing, I am also at fault here- I am very touchy and I mainly comfort people by giving them humongous hugs, which Lil detests more than almost anything. I’ve realized this. I am pretty dumb about not huggin’ her, because my maternal instinct kicks in before my brain catches up and the next thing I know, she’s kicked me or slapped me or punched me and is spitting mad.

But she also does something that makes me feel horrid- she acts as if I’m just a speck, like not an actual person, like she doesn’t know me or is embarrassed to know me. I take things very very seriously, especially if it’s people I trust telling me things, and every single time she does that little “aloof” act my heart just shatters. Does she realize that one of my greatest fears is being ignored or shunned? I don’t know if she does, but I hope she realizes it soon before I lash back at her.

I don’t want to be treated as a doormat.

Well, friendship issues aside, today is kind of alright so far; not much is going on, but that’s alright with me. We’ve reached the point in the school year where everyone is getting tired of everyone else- where people’s tempers are running freely. It’s a dangerous time, at least for me and other relatively pacifistic people. I’m especially worried about Genna and Lil- their tempers do not go well with each other (not that most people’s do) and they are both dead-set on their opinions. Hopefully we can get to spring break without any serious terrible things happening.

Been thinking about that sort of thing more often.

Also been thinking about what I’m going to do versus the “fence”;

kind of reached a conclusion, but not sure.

It sucks to not be sure about something like this, it’s like taking a shot in the dark- either you hit what you’re going for, or you hit something precious to you; if you make the wrong choice, it all goes to hell in a handbasket.

I want to wait for it to get light again, but that may take more time than I have.

(Sorry, Lil.)

det tar tid

21 Feb

“it takes time”

About half of my existence is spent pondering the Could-Have-Beens, the little moments where my meddling took me down one path or another. It could have happened. A lot of things could’ve happened, but hell, if they did then things would be a lot different than they are now.
I’d imagine it so.

There are three things that don’t belong to me on my wall- well, not so much not belonging to me as not made by me. Or both-
One of them is a scratched drawing of a ‘peace robot’ on that special black-coated paper that has bright colors underneath. A boy at my church gave it to me. It is made of awesome.
There is also a print hanging above it- I found it in the trash can in the art room before winter break- it’s actually Jacob’s, and I wonder if he’d like it back. It is very well made. He printed it somehow so there are about three repeated copies, all on top of each other, flipped over and twisted. I don’t know how he did it, but I aim to replicate the feat.
Under that, I have a folded-up copy of a poem Wil wrote (well, not so much wrote as pasted together) that I found crumpled on the sidewalk outside Mrs. Grace’s room. It’s almost not his style-Wil usually writes poetry in long alliterative sentences- but I like it nonetheless. I can’t read it from my bed, but I can see the little words serpentining down the page.

Those are my three ‘foreign objects’.

I used to be afraid of a lot of things.
Stupid things, like geese and bees and stingrays and large dogs and the dark-
but I’ve realized, over the years, that these sorts of things are inconsequential. I know what I really fear, at least nowadays:
Being alone;
Change;
Being ignored or forgotten about;
and helplessness.

I’m going to try to face my fears, one by one.
It’ll take a while.

[_____]

20 Feb

Have you seen this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34ZtT4Th9Ys

It is Sigur Ros, it is an award-winning music video, it makes me alternately so joyful and so very sad. I guess it’s an opener for my topic of the moment-

I am, as far as I know, straight. I’ve never really done anything romantic (with either sex), but all the people I’ve fallen in love with have been of the male persuasion.
But I know quite a few people who are either bi or gay or whatever you’d like to call it, homosexual, whatever. And I do not mind whatsoever. All I really have to even say on the whole issue is people should be able to love who they want, no stigmas or taboos attached. I think that’s kinda an automatic right, honestly. If we don’t have freedom to love, then what do we have?

The video- the one I linked to- hits me hard. The father’s reaction, especially. I find it sickening that someone could be that damn insensitive- even to his own son- and break something so delicate- It is cruel.

Also something to think about- the lead singer, Jonsi, is out of the closet and happily in a relationship with an Alex. They made an album together, it is just as angelic as most of Sigur Ros’s stuff, and they also have been making little dinky videos detailing how to make some nice raw-food recipes. They are sickeningly cute.

Also: should I maybe make a video of something?

i follow the sea to the starlight

20 Feb

I wish I could write an album, a concept album, about things only a few people would understand. It would be quite lovely.

Anyway: I made English muffins this morning, about three of them are sitting comfortably in my stomach at the moment. Ah, Saturdays. I am going to draw some today, maybe also try to write a little more- the usual, the usual.

Been looking through TVtropes’ list of terrifying music, I am amazed that neither Vaka nor Kid A are on the list yet. The former is a very scary song. The latter is an absofuckinglutely terrifying album that I’ve ranted about before; it makes me want to curl up and cry if I hear “Motion Picture Soundtrack” at night.

Will write more later.

well i see you as you take your pride-

19 Feb

my lion(ess)

Today was quite magnificent. I don’t believe I’ve done nearly as little as I have today- oh, it was an awesome non-productive eight hours. I am a junior, I relish these things.

Kind of wishing I had some money with which to buy some CDs, but I’m saving it all up for France (assuming I’m accepted) to buy things at that Japanese store on Rue Mouffetard. Onigiri avec thon! I got one during Mini Gusto, Audrey couldn’t stand the smell of tuna in our hotel room but it was SO worth it. Delicious!
I also hope that wherever we stay has a proper shower, not the strange little bath/showerhead combo that was in our hotel. I didn’t figure out how to use it until the fourth day- I took a lot of baths. I like being nice ‘n’ clean.

Well, going to probably do some more redecorating tomorrow, perhaps- maybe I’ll go to the FrameUp and buy some new tubes of acrylic paint (or poster paint) ‘cos the ones I have are dried out and thouroughly unusable. Gonna paint somethin’!
Speaking of painting, the one I’m currently working on is nearly done. I need to retouch the background in some spots and shade the skeleton’s ribs nicely, and then I might do some minor changes at that point.

Gonna do a drypoint after that! I actually really, really like prints. I enjoy both the process of carving them out and actually printing them, but in terms of finished product I like the blocks better. They’ve got more personality or something, I guess.

Will write more either tonight or tomorrow; expect large amounts od midnight drabbles. Cheers!

obstacle 1

18 Feb

I realize I haven’t been writing as much as usual- basically, I can’t find much to write about that involves music or anything else that will fufill my obscurity quota. I have a list of bands I have to listen to, but I never get quite around to looking them up. Ah well- gotta work up the gumption.

Well, tomorrow is my second-favourite day, Day 4- going to try and play through Det Tar Tid successfully, maybe. The chords are ridiculous. There are a lot of minor and major sevenths. It makes me want to dieeeee.

Will write more later. Until then, night.

open your eyes

17 Feb

Today was both hellish and wonderful.

Don’t want to write tonight, so expect something tomorrow.

go ahead, everything will be explained

16 Feb

Well, today was pretty alright, as much as a disjointed Tuesday can be alright. Bluhh. Still not at 100% after being up ’till three AM last night due to womanly complications. It sucks to be a lady.
I also hit my head on sturdy blunt objects three times today, one of which was right after Yoga and I just barely stifled a “FUCK!” because it really hurt, dammit!
Then Lillian (as per her nature) randomly decided that I deserved to be smacked twice in the face and then pushed onto my ass.
Okay, today kinda sucked on the bodily-well-being front. I am going to have a big honkin’ forehead bruise.

Still have about three million midnight drabbles I haven’t written up yet, I need to get around to that pretty soon. Maybe this weekend I’ll do a MONDO-POST of chronologically-arranged drabbles.

Meaningful stuff has rapidly disappeared, I am now thinking in only loops of thought, so
goodnight.

covered in beeeeees!

16 Feb

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yWRz_-0B1qw&feature=player_embedded

Eddie Izzard, you are quite the card.

Guh

15 Feb

Headaches? They suck. I would like to beat their anthropomorphic representation in the face. That is how much I hate them.

And now:

I sleep.