Archive | February, 2010

i could be the sunlight in your eye

23 Feb

couldn’t I?

I am still pretty okay with everything.

SO, PICTURES.

This is one of the speakers I got for christmas, all spectacularly decorated with Sharpies and squiggles and stripes and AWESOME.

The other one looks about the same.

It’s sitting on my desk, which (as you can probably tell) is positively filthy at the moment, strewn with markers and books and wires and more markers and colored pencils…the list goes on. I am not a very organised person, by my own admittion. I need to maybe clean my desk, but every time I do it magically becomes un-clean.

NEXT!

<=== That’s me.

That’s my room.

This is a much less flattering picture than I thought it was initially.

GOOD NIGHT.

goodbye, babylon

23 Feb

Too fucking late.

I waited too long, and now it’s over- she is like me, gets along with me, but shorter and more erudite in conversation. Even the music taste is similar! Oh, fuck it all- fuck it all. I knew it would come to this eventually, I was kind of sort of prepared for this, but it hurts a little bit nonetheless.
My Daoist nature works against me in romantic matters. Maybe if I took someone’s advice and struck up a conversation-
But I am so very afraid of shattering my friendships, of appearing stupid. I am much more composed when I write things down rather than say them- for one thing, I see what I want to say and can say it more concisely, and for another, I speak very stupidly and slowly and nervously- I don’t want him to snicker at my nervous stutters.
It is so hard to do this.

Fuck.

I want to be his friend.

Fuck.

I want to be able to speak intelligently.

Fuck.

I want-

I will survive for now, for now.

seeeds

22 Feb

I kind of feel like doing some midnight drabbles, but cannot be bothered to write anything at the moment. Well, besides this.
I am going to make some decisions this week, if I can; if not, that’s alright with me. I go with the proverbial flow when it comes to these sorts of things, but having absolutely no experience means I have no idea if what I’m doing is a good idea or not.
So confusing! I hate this feeling!
It would be much better if I knew one or two of the variables in this equation- damn our unpredictability. Perhaps I’ll talk to Shuggie or Fauberge about it, if either of them will listen.

‘night!

(also: ‘My Girls’ is a very good, very well-known song.)

i don’t know what it is

22 Feb

but there is definitely something going on upstairs.

Writing this in Mrs. Grey’s room during the boring as shit advisory period, I don’t want to be here right now and am suffering from apathy sickness. Ugh.

Adding to the terribleness is a brief altercation I had with Lil, one that I might as well talk about because it’s becoming more and more of an issue. I hope it doesn’t take our friendship down with it, because Lil is very awesome and sarcastically joyful.

But she has a knack for making me feel terrible.

For one thing, I am also at fault here- I am very touchy and I mainly comfort people by giving them humongous hugs, which Lil detests more than almost anything. I’ve realized this. I am pretty dumb about not huggin’ her, because my maternal instinct kicks in before my brain catches up and the next thing I know, she’s kicked me or slapped me or punched me and is spitting mad.

But she also does something that makes me feel horrid- she acts as if I’m just a speck, like not an actual person, like she doesn’t know me or is embarrassed to know me. I take things very very seriously, especially if it’s people I trust telling me things, and every single time she does that little “aloof” act my heart just shatters. Does she realize that one of my greatest fears is being ignored or shunned? I don’t know if she does, but I hope she realizes it soon before I lash back at her.

I don’t want to be treated as a doormat.

Well, friendship issues aside, today is kind of alright so far; not much is going on, but that’s alright with me. We’ve reached the point in the school year where everyone is getting tired of everyone else- where people’s tempers are running freely. It’s a dangerous time, at least for me and other relatively pacifistic people. I’m especially worried about Genna and Lil- their tempers do not go well with each other (not that most people’s do) and they are both dead-set on their opinions. Hopefully we can get to spring break without any serious terrible things happening.

Been thinking about that sort of thing more often.

Also been thinking about what I’m going to do versus the “fence”;

kind of reached a conclusion, but not sure.

It sucks to not be sure about something like this, it’s like taking a shot in the dark- either you hit what you’re going for, or you hit something precious to you; if you make the wrong choice, it all goes to hell in a handbasket.

I want to wait for it to get light again, but that may take more time than I have.

(Sorry, Lil.)

det tar tid

21 Feb

“it takes time”

About half of my existence is spent pondering the Could-Have-Beens, the little moments where my meddling took me down one path or another. It could have happened. A lot of things could’ve happened, but hell, if they did then things would be a lot different than they are now.
I’d imagine it so.

There are three things that don’t belong to me on my wall- well, not so much not belonging to me as not made by me. Or both-
One of them is a scratched drawing of a ‘peace robot’ on that special black-coated paper that has bright colors underneath. A boy at my church gave it to me. It is made of awesome.
There is also a print hanging above it- I found it in the trash can in the art room before winter break- it’s actually Jacob’s, and I wonder if he’d like it back. It is very well made. He printed it somehow so there are about three repeated copies, all on top of each other, flipped over and twisted. I don’t know how he did it, but I aim to replicate the feat.
Under that, I have a folded-up copy of a poem Wil wrote (well, not so much wrote as pasted together) that I found crumpled on the sidewalk outside Mrs. Grace’s room. It’s almost not his style-Wil usually writes poetry in long alliterative sentences- but I like it nonetheless. I can’t read it from my bed, but I can see the little words serpentining down the page.

Those are my three ‘foreign objects’.

I used to be afraid of a lot of things.
Stupid things, like geese and bees and stingrays and large dogs and the dark-
but I’ve realized, over the years, that these sorts of things are inconsequential. I know what I really fear, at least nowadays:
Being alone;
Change;
Being ignored or forgotten about;
and helplessness.

I’m going to try to face my fears, one by one.
It’ll take a while.

[_____]

20 Feb

Have you seen this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34ZtT4Th9Ys

It is Sigur Ros, it is an award-winning music video, it makes me alternately so joyful and so very sad. I guess it’s an opener for my topic of the moment-

I am, as far as I know, straight. I’ve never really done anything romantic (with either sex), but all the people I’ve fallen in love with have been of the male persuasion.
But I know quite a few people who are either bi or gay or whatever you’d like to call it, homosexual, whatever. And I do not mind whatsoever. All I really have to even say on the whole issue is people should be able to love who they want, no stigmas or taboos attached. I think that’s kinda an automatic right, honestly. If we don’t have freedom to love, then what do we have?

The video- the one I linked to- hits me hard. The father’s reaction, especially. I find it sickening that someone could be that damn insensitive- even to his own son- and break something so delicate- It is cruel.

Also something to think about- the lead singer, Jonsi, is out of the closet and happily in a relationship with an Alex. They made an album together, it is just as angelic as most of Sigur Ros’s stuff, and they also have been making little dinky videos detailing how to make some nice raw-food recipes. They are sickeningly cute.

Also: should I maybe make a video of something?

i follow the sea to the starlight

20 Feb

I wish I could write an album, a concept album, about things only a few people would understand. It would be quite lovely.

Anyway: I made English muffins this morning, about three of them are sitting comfortably in my stomach at the moment. Ah, Saturdays. I am going to draw some today, maybe also try to write a little more- the usual, the usual.

Been looking through TVtropes’ list of terrifying music, I am amazed that neither Vaka nor Kid A are on the list yet. The former is a very scary song. The latter is an absofuckinglutely terrifying album that I’ve ranted about before; it makes me want to curl up and cry if I hear “Motion Picture Soundtrack” at night.

Will write more later.