goodbye, babylon

23 Feb

Too fucking late.

I waited too long, and now it’s over- she is like me, gets along with me, but shorter and more erudite in conversation. Even the music taste is similar! Oh, fuck it all- fuck it all. I knew it would come to this eventually, I was kind of sort of prepared for this, but it hurts a little bit nonetheless.
My Daoist nature works against me in romantic matters. Maybe if I took someone’s advice and struck up a conversation-
But I am so very afraid of shattering my friendships, of appearing stupid. I am much more composed when I write things down rather than say them- for one thing, I see what I want to say and can say it more concisely, and for another, I speak very stupidly and slowly and nervously- I don’t want him to snicker at my nervous stutters.
It is so hard to do this.

Fuck.

I want to be his friend.

Fuck.

I want to be able to speak intelligently.

Fuck.

I want-

I will survive for now, for now.

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