i don’t know what it is

22 Feb

but there is definitely something going on upstairs.

Writing this in Mrs. Grey’s room during the boring as shit advisory period, I don’t want to be here right now and am suffering from apathy sickness. Ugh.

Adding to the terribleness is a brief altercation I had with Lil, one that I might as well talk about because it’s becoming more and more of an issue. I hope it doesn’t take our friendship down with it, because Lil is very awesome and sarcastically joyful.

But she has a knack for making me feel terrible.

For one thing, I am also at fault here- I am very touchy and I mainly comfort people by giving them humongous hugs, which Lil detests more than almost anything. I’ve realized this. I am pretty dumb about not huggin’ her, because my maternal instinct kicks in before my brain catches up and the next thing I know, she’s kicked me or slapped me or punched me and is spitting mad.

But she also does something that makes me feel horrid- she acts as if I’m just a speck, like not an actual person, like she doesn’t know me or is embarrassed to know me. I take things very very seriously, especially if it’s people I trust telling me things, and every single time she does that little “aloof” act my heart just shatters. Does she realize that one of my greatest fears is being ignored or shunned? I don’t know if she does, but I hope she realizes it soon before I lash back at her.

I don’t want to be treated as a doormat.

Well, friendship issues aside, today is kind of alright so far; not much is going on, but that’s alright with me. We’ve reached the point in the school year where everyone is getting tired of everyone else- where people’s tempers are running freely. It’s a dangerous time, at least for me and other relatively pacifistic people. I’m especially worried about Genna and Lil- their tempers do not go well with each other (not that most people’s do) and they are both dead-set on their opinions. Hopefully we can get to spring break without any serious terrible things happening.

Been thinking about that sort of thing more often.

Also been thinking about what I’m going to do versus the “fence”;

kind of reached a conclusion, but not sure.

It sucks to not be sure about something like this, it’s like taking a shot in the dark- either you hit what you’re going for, or you hit something precious to you; if you make the wrong choice, it all goes to hell in a handbasket.

I want to wait for it to get light again, but that may take more time than I have.

(Sorry, Lil.)

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