det tar tid

21 Feb

“it takes time”

About half of my existence is spent pondering the Could-Have-Beens, the little moments where my meddling took me down one path or another. It could have happened. A lot of things could’ve happened, but hell, if they did then things would be a lot different than they are now.
I’d imagine it so.

There are three things that don’t belong to me on my wall- well, not so much not belonging to me as not made by me. Or both-
One of them is a scratched drawing of a ‘peace robot’ on that special black-coated paper that has bright colors underneath. A boy at my church gave it to me. It is made of awesome.
There is also a print hanging above it- I found it in the trash can in the art room before winter break- it’s actually Jacob’s, and I wonder if he’d like it back. It is very well made. He printed it somehow so there are about three repeated copies, all on top of each other, flipped over and twisted. I don’t know how he did it, but I aim to replicate the feat.
Under that, I have a folded-up copy of a poem Wil wrote (well, not so much wrote as pasted together) that I found crumpled on the sidewalk outside Mrs. Grace’s room. It’s almost not his style-Wil usually writes poetry in long alliterative sentences- but I like it nonetheless. I can’t read it from my bed, but I can see the little words serpentining down the page.

Those are my three ‘foreign objects’.

I used to be afraid of a lot of things.
Stupid things, like geese and bees and stingrays and large dogs and the dark-
but I’ve realized, over the years, that these sorts of things are inconsequential. I know what I really fear, at least nowadays:
Being alone;
Change;
Being ignored or forgotten about;
and helplessness.

I’m going to try to face my fears, one by one.
It’ll take a while.

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