the prophet’s tower

22 Jan

Oh, life.

Been thinking lately about some real deep existentialist stuff- I continually have terrible little personal crises at parties (actually, hold the previous thought, I want to talk about why I have these crises to begin with).
Basically, my greatest fear is being forgotten, closely followed by being rejected, closely followed by being ignored, closely followed by hand gore and heights.
Basically, I can’t take it when I’m at a party and feel like a third wheel the entire time, constantly circling around several groups of friends but never really fitting in. You know that Cake song, World Of Two? It was written about a couple, but I like the lyrics: “I don’t want to/hang around you/I don’t want to live in your world/of two.”
That is how it feels: like orbiting closely, but never actually getting close enough to make contact. Thus I fall into this rut of thought:
“oh, noone wants to talk to me. That must mean I’m uninteresting. No one wants to speak to an uninteresting lazy-ass bitch, now do they? Cos that’s what I am, a lazy-ass bitch fackface with no talent and no charisma. No wonder I don’t have a boyfriend! No one wants to date a fat lazy-ass bitch fackface with a lisp and a bit of an acne problem and questionable intelligence who spits when she talks and can’t hold up her end of a conversation about Arcade Fire. Look at Mr. Charisma over there. No way he’d consider me. I am worthless. My life is a ball of mush.”
Thankfully, this scenario seems to be happening less and less now that I am realizing that most dudes are jerks and I should be glad they aren’t hitting on me, as 1. It would probably terrify me, and 2. I would probably dissolve into a puddle upon the ground and slurp away.
Not very pleasing ideas.
But I’m glad I’m getting past this dependance on others, even though Lillian knows I am still ridiculously dependent on her (as she continuously pretends she is no longer speaking to me, which shatters my heart a little every time, but she makes up for it by giving me Nutella), as does Genna. I define myself principally by the people around me. I do not act the same in any given circumstance twice. I am a aocial being, despite at first seeming like an introvert. I am quiet around people I want to impress but think I can’t, as well as people much older than me who I don’t know well. I dislike speaking impromptu to people I do not know.
I am now going to go sleep because frankly this post is very selfabsorbed and my eyes are getting heavier as I type.
Bakfhehwmaudhdmsldjhfjsksjh.
Goodnight.

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