advice to the young

22 Dec

Lying in bed, listening to Kid A put on rather softly as to not wake my sister up. I do not know what has come over me these last few hours: a deep and suffocating melancholy rather than the stubborn triumph I usually feel. Perhaps it is my mind’s way of dealing with this lack- this lack of anything, really, this lack of drive, motivation, etc.
But I can’t say love, because I know Agaetis loves me, as do my dear Lil and Genna. It’s going to be alright, I just have to tell myself. It’s going to work out alright.

There is a strange surreality in our life, our thoughts. Sometimes, standing in the shower with scalding water rolling down my face, I close my eyes and find that the world I imagine inside my skull is infinitely preferable to this one, no matter how strange or terrifying my mind is.
And I’ve realized that I have a very frightening subconcious. I have been drawing without really thinking lately, and I am a little frightened at what comes out of my hands- great smiling lions, women with blindfolds and gas masks, strangely contorted beasts with teeth jagged and black.
I do not want to see the contents of my head upon a table. I do not want to know.

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